These are the days of Ted Kord’s life

I have always liked Blue Beetle and with his recent banishment to the reincarnation spinner rack in the sky, it seemed appropriate to do a review of one of his issues. Even though Ted Kord (Beetle’s alter ego) was a scientist, a business owner and a pilot of a really big bug, Beetle to me seemed quite the blue-collar hero. Like a mechanic he was not afraid to roll up his sleeves and stick his hands into the oily muck of a city’s dangerous crannies. Unlike the mechanic who recently worked on my car, however, he would have been sure to clean said grimy hands before he fiddled with my car’s radio volume knob. He also wouldn’t have left my doors unlocked on a busy downtown street or my windows open on a day with a 50 percent chance of rain (but I digress).

In this issue of his book Blue Beetle is picking up the broken pieces of his Chicago business literally one dustpan scoopful at a time. Last issue The Madmen (five or so really cool psychedelically painted creeper want-a-bes) were hired by this issue’s villain Dr. Alchemy to trash the building. This diversion allowed Dr. A to swipe a bit of a material called Promethium that he needed to recharge the element rearranging stone that he uses as a weapon. With his stone repowered Alchemy proceeds to reign colorful havoc on the inanimate objects in Kord’s possession. Starting with turning a concrete floor to paper.

While the Beetle is just hanging around Alchemy makes his escape by “transforming a steel worktable into a polymer shell filled with pure helium.”

Very inventive.

In the pages that fallow the story bogs down under the weight Ted Kord’s foreshadowed personal life. We sit through the inner thoughts of a kleptomaniac secretary who looks a lot like a hipper Velma of Scooby Doo fame.

Ted’s run in with detective who likes to barge into offices and bask in the nourish shadows of Venetian blinds while accusing the innocent of heinous rockslide killings of golden age superheroes.

Panel upon panel of a jovial Al “the weatherman” Roker look-a-like who gets sucker punched in the Kord parking lot and tied up for seemingly no other reason than well, he looks a lot like Al Roker.

Mary Jane Watson then makes an appearance to tell Ted that she thinks that he is quite the “tiger”.

Last and least we get a page of side story featuring a nameless man searching a beach on a remote island for the body of Dan Garrett (the first Blue Beetle). He was contently picking up broken up bits of boat, turning them over and putting them back down again until he heard a beeping noise coming from a cave. In this cave, unbeknown to the nameless man, is a red killer robot who is awaking…BAUM BAUM BAUM!

What will Velma steal next? Will Ted be placed in the pokey for the murder of Beetle #1? Will Al Roker’s witty banter win over the dudes that keep socking him in the eye? Why is MJ dating Ted Kord? Will Peter Parker find out? Where is the body of the original Beetle? Did Velma steal it? What tropical robotic evil lies in wait? With the way that side plots in this book are hinted at and tossed around, seemingly only those who have purchased BB issues one through twenty-four can possibly know the answers to the above questions.

Will I read another Beetle issue written by Len Wein? Only if it turned out that Shaggy was really one of The Madmen.

I for one haven’t seen them together.


Writer Len Wein
I use this issue as proof that he is the best Spider-Man scripter on DC’s staff.

Artist Paris Cullins
Decent art. Nothing amazing nothing spectacular.

The times they are a changin’

Wow the last month has been unexpectedly busy. Vacations, household reorganization, yard work, freelance work and work work have all caused me to spend what free time that I find decompressing instead of posting to my blog. This changes this week. Beginning this week I promise, nay I guarantee, a new post will be added to my blog every Tuesday and Thursday. From now until the end of time (or until the end of free blogging) a visitor to the site will be able to set a watch to my postings.

Comic trends better left forgotten: Incomprehensible Teenage Pseudo Slang

Using slang can be a lot of damn fun. I defy you to call your pet or child an ankle-biter or tell your significant other that you want head to the car to play some back seat bingo and not have a smile on your face. Thinking of new and interesting ways to say things, in my humble opinion, makes a conversation (or blog posting in this case) a bit funnier and a bit more descriptive. But slang can defiantly muddy the waters of discussion if the person on the receiving end has absolutely no clue what the hell a person is talking about.

To see this in practice we turn to Doom Patrol (vol.2) #4. In this issue we get introduced to a new (and I’m guessing hip) teenaged girl superhero named (I cringe as I type this) Lodestone. She is strong, can fly and will load stones into the back of your truck like nobody’s business. All of this is well and good but it’s her constant spouting of slang that really bothers me. But don’t take my word for it let her tell you herself.

“Man! Ten years learning acrobatics with The Carney and this dweez nails me first time off the bat!”

The Carney? Is that Art Carney the actor that she is talking about or the guy who runs the Tilt-A-Whirl? Dweez? Must be an update of the slang word dweeb with a Z added to the end to make it zip.

“I’ll wrap it up fast with a shot of electromagnetic power right to his labonza!”

Labonza? I have no clue, I really don’t but here is the image anyway.

For another dose of head scratching dialog we now head to Green Arrow (vol.2) #3. In this issue we meet Mia a street urchin with a heart of gold and a head filled with obscure pop-culture references.

“You keep your voice down—or at least go for something throatier when you’re all sprouted-out.”

I think I get this one. Green Arrow wears green (duh!) and so does the Jolly Green Giant’s little friend Sprout (man I feel old). It’s either that or a veiled drug reference.

“It’s like he’s out of another time, or something. He sounds like a guy on an old TV show like ‘CHiPS. What up with that?”

How does one sound like CHiPS? Did Ponch have a catch phrase that I have forgotten about? “Hmmm, I might have to look that up, hold on a second.” (a computer modem starts in the background along with some keys clicking on a keyboard) “Nope no catch phrases to be found although Ponch would do a wink/ tongue click/ fingers held like a gun, combo whenever he saw a foxy chick.”

Is this what Ollie put you through Mia? Why that lecherous old man is all sprouted-out! You should tell The Carney so that he can hit him in the Labonza! What up with that dweez? What up with that?

Comic trends better left forgotten: Villainous Techno Dreads

Each era is afflicted with its own bad hair style. In the 50s the crew cut was the way to visually say “I wear a hat mostly.” In the 60s the bee hive hairdo was well, the bee’s knees. In the 80s, which gave us two new dos, the Mohawk was “rad” while the mullet was just flat out bad. The 90s, on the other hand, forced upon us arguably the worst of the lot. The 90s gave us Villainous Techno Dreads.

A warning for those who are faint prone or have weak hearts, what you will see below will not be pretty.

Oh ironically named Mojo, the ladies will not love you with that hair.

Keith Giffen you were funny to be sure but why the five story arc starring a man who has metallic earthworms stuck to his head?

Hey crazy Frankenstein Elseworlds guy why the springs? Couldn’t you be content in the fact that you were a patchwork abomination to nature? Did you really need to look like a demented mattress salesman as well?

I miss the days when a villain truly had villainous hair. Take Medusa for example, not only did she have snakes on her head, which could leave quite a mark, but she could also turn you to stone if you looked at her for too long. You could run screaming like a little girl from a nasty piece of work like Medusa and still keep your dignity intact. It would, however, be extremely hard to sprint, with any terror what-so-ever, away from a man who looks as if he could at any moment ask you if you would like to take a hit from his bong.

Comic books taught me that I was wrong. Comics showed me that penguins are EVIL!

I used to live my life under the assumption that penguins were cute little creatures. I once even had the thought that, if plane tickets could be obtained, I might hop a flight to Antarctica and help some of the tuxedoed flightless birds migrate south for the winter. I dare say that the winter blahs would melt away (so to speak) if during my commute to work I could see the winter birds doing belly flops down the icy sidewalks of my adopted hometown.

I must admit that I have had limited exposure to penguins and have only seen them from about twenty feet away, behind glass and in a zoo. So I am hardly an expert, a fact that came to light recently while reading Justice League Annual #4. It was in this issue that I learned that if I had met one of those same contently frolicking birds outside of the glass, outside of the zoo (say in a frozen back ally somewhere) things would have been very different indeed. Things would have been EVIL!

HOLY SHIT, THOSE FUCKERS HAVE TEETH! I was blown away. My world-view was crushed like a soda pop can.

Sure there was other stuff that happened in the book, the Injustice League did try to pull a heist but ended up screwing that up by stopping terrorists which in turn caused them to be hailed as heroes causing them to be anointed as the Antarctica chapter of the Justice League after they decided to go legit because maybe it paid better. But really, can anyone care about all of that when there are killer penguins on the loose?

And to think that I almost unleashed that ravenous hoard on the bit sized pets and infirm old folks of my community. This winter breathe an icy sigh of relief, nondescript little Indiana college town, that this comic book found me before Delta’s "underpriced cold weather fares" circular did. Know that you were lucky that comic books taught me that I was wrong that penguins are indeed EVIL!

Eeep indeed!

In the architecture of Venice there lies a menace

The best thing about Denny O’Neil’s stint writing Daredevil is the art. Denny’s stories are so goofy, so head scratchingly huh, that it gives his artist free reign to create some wonderful backgrounds that they, when pared with another writer, (ones that oh say like to keep Daredevil in Hell’s Kitchen where he belongs) would never give them the opportunity to create. Daredevil #221 is a good example of this for in this issue double D finds himself in Venice. Why Venice? Well…

…the latest victim of Matt Murdock’s affection (Heather something) has committed suicide. The reason for her death, or her last name for that matter, is never revealed. What is revealed is that on the night of her death and while she is still swinging from a rope, her mansion’s safe is broken into and important documents are stolen. These documents, handed down from her industrialist father, turn out to be priceless patents. Daredevil learns that an Italian gang of neo-fascists known as the Council of Ten plans to use the possession of these papers to finance the overthrow of the Italian government.

Now I am no patent attorney but I’m pretty sure that the United States Patent and Trademark Office would have quite a bit of say in who receives royalties from said piece of paper. Otherwise what would stop me (besides the alarm system and blood thirsty guard dogs that is) from sneaking into Lee Iacocca’s bedroom, tickling his nose, causing him to talk in his sleep, learning the combination to his safe, opening the safe, pulling out the papers and yelling while holding them aloft. “Ha-ha Big Three, starting today you owe me big time! For today I have in my possession the patents for power door locks! Pay up suckers!” Possession is not nine-tenths of the law Daredevil; you’re a lawyer you should know better.

Daredevil, throwing his diploma to the wind, decides that he must take a flight to Venice to rest the documents back. Touching down on Italian soil Matt decides to survey the area. It is here in the story that the art (by David Mazzucchelli, a favorite) starts to get really good. We get to see a stunning drawing of...

...gondolas with the Rialto Bridge in the background…

…neat Venetian architecture…

…and a robotic suit of armor looking to turn Daredevil into a shish-ka-bob. What the…???

Taking a stab at keeping Daredevil at bay the suit of armor takes a lunge at him. It charges with too much force, however, and ends up getting a closer look at sidewalk below. Once inside the very nifty building Daredevil discovers an ornate chapel, a cage and a trap door.

Falling through the tiled looking glass, Daredevil finds himself in a pit filled with pointy spears below him. Above he finds a stand-in James Bond villain dressed for Carnival who mocks him, tells him of evil plans and then seals him in the wall a-la The Cask of the Amontillado. Poe would be proud.

Daredevil, never one to accept his fate easily digs through the floor of his cell to find himself trapped in another cell one floor below. Hmm that didn’t get us far now did it? But Daredevil has yet to give up so he whips off his costume’s shirt (to give the ladies their 65 cents worth) and proceeds to knock out multiple centuries old stone from the centuries old stone wall. This sets the devil free into the yucky sewage filled dampness of the canal outside. This also begins the process of the historical building falling in and around the villain’s head. The villain dies; the house is ruined; the Travelocity Roaming Gnome cries.

Writer: Denny O’Neil
Another globe trotting adventure from the man who likes his heroes to be interchangeable.

Artist: David Mazzucchelli
More fine work from David. Very spooky, ornate and cool.

This Marvel Comic could be worth $2,500 to you!

It isn’t…but the art is priceless.

John Byrne’s art kicks butt. Actually that is an understatement, John Byrne’s art rears back, puts the point of its shoe firmly on the butt and then kicks it with enough force so as to launch it over the goalposts for a sixty-yard field goal. That’s it. Really I could end the review right there. While I can’t attest to his writing skill (although it seems ok) or his personality (which from what I read leaves a little to be desired) his art is simply amazing and raises every project that he works on to epic proportions. For instance take a look at this splash page.



That page tells you everything you need to know. A dragon man is about to crush Captain America. How does it feel Captain? Judging by the look on his face it hurts real bad. Couldn’t he just whack the dragon with his indestructible shield? Nope it is way out of reach stuck in some rubble. Why is the dragon man doing this? Well it could be that the metal ball circling his head is controlling him. One could do this throughout the whole book. The art is so good at moving the narrative that you wouldn’t even have to read the words to have a complete dramatic story. For an example below are the next two pages.

See what did I tell ya, that is just cool.

The story involves an inventor of robots that uses them to make life miserable for Cap. A small ball shaped robot (which emits high pitched electronic beeps) drives Dragon Man (which is quite a neat looking creature) into such a frenzy that he goes on a rampage throughout the city. The goal it seems is to get Captain America involved in the fray so that Dragon Man can squish him to dough. Cap, however, has other plans and smashes the beeping ball, which calms the dragon for a time. The dragon then remembers where the evil man who made the metal ball lives and begins fly back there so as to tromp him silly. Cap tries to fallow but is having a hard time of it so he lassos the dragon with an available clothesline that he swipes.

Somewhere a man has lost his favorite sweater.

Cap rides the beast to a barn on a plot of farmland. Dragon man opens the door and Cap fallows him inside.


Inside the dragon comes across the man who sent the beeping ball to pester him. The man named Machinesmith, who has a goatee like Ras Al-Gul and a haircut like Lex Luthor, welcomes the beast into his home by shocking it to death.



Cap says hello by creating his iconic star symbol in a flurry of speed-lines and sound effects.

Try doing that Flash.

Machinesmith says, “Ha-Ha, foolish human, I am a robot!” and his head promptly falls off. The head then rolls around on the ground and mocks the Captain. Then another Machinesmith appears and distracts Cap long enough for a robotic Thing (copyright mark) to take a swing at his shield. Captain America then fights a slew of Marvel characters, in differing states of mechanical disrepair. After a gratuitous amount of super soldier on robot action the Machinesmith beats feet down a darkened corridor; Cap catches up to him and makes him say uncle. Besides saying mercy, uncle and “No! Not the purple nurple!” he also reveals part of his origin.

The Robot who would become Mr. Smith began life as doomed run-of-the-mill costumed villain who put more time in creating his super-gadgets than he did field testing them. As a result, when the hero that he is chasing jumps on the hover-platform that he is riding high above the city, it becomes unbalanced and bucks the would-be supper villain onto the street below. Sure to die a mangled and painful high velocity death, Smith pulls the ace out of the sleeve that is now well below his ankle. That ace is a cult-like multitude of minion robots. All of his robots, some of whom resemble men, work to put Machinesmith back together again.

Back from our flashback the Machinesmith that Cap has tackled has its head fall off. A new Machinesmith appears and distracts Cap long enough for disembodied robotic hands to pummel the surprised Captain. While Captain America is busy shaking hands Machinesmith has time to continue his story. When the helpful robots put him back together they went with what they knew and reassembled him as a machine. Newly formed and with a lot of time on his now metalic hands he creates more robots to sell to other villains as well as more that look just like him.

Somebody is a bit of an egomaniac.

While fighting the Machinesmiths Captain America figures out that the wall-mounted computer bank is controlling them so he smashes it. To Cap’s surprise the computer bank tells him that it is the real Machinesmith and that the elaborate fights and Dragon Man run-ins were all an effort to get Cap to destroy him. Mission accomplished.

Writer: Rodger Stern
Writing Captain America the way he should be; fighting robots and lovin’ it.

Artist: John Byrne
Byrne-ing the midnight oil to create great art as per usual.

“Daredevil, squeal like a pig, BOY!”

The story starts promisingly enough. We join this comic, already in progress, on a highjacked commercial airliner where a man with a gun demands that the plane land. He wishes this Air Lingus (sounds pretty kinky) flight originally bound for Kennedy airport to instead land at a small airfield in New Jersey. The gunman, as drawn here, bares a strong resemblance to the actor Tim Roth in his role as Mr. Orange in the movie Reservoir Dogs.


Another passenger, herself no fan of Tarantino’s work, tires of the incessant dialog and uber-violent gun play and decides to end this standoff kamikaze hand slap style.


But wouldn’t you know it her hysterics/ heroics only succeed in causing the highjacker to fire his gun into a conveniently placed, illegally smuggled and covertly boxed canister of NOXIOUS GAS!


If only the story could end here. If it did we could rise up from or office chairs, rub our computer screen wary eyes and head to the water fountain/ water cooler/ coffee machine/ black tar heroin freebase closet, with a nice little conundrum playing in our minds. Will everyone in the plane be alright? Will the plane land safely? What type of gas escaped? Will Daredevil save the day? Instead we are treated to…

…Deliverance Swamp! Brother Drawley isn’t much of a ladies man, as one only has to take a look at the photo for his online personal ad to see why.


This all changes, however, when a plane crash-lands in his swamp. For with the aid of two other men plus the gun-toting highjacker (all related), tonight Brother Drawley is getting married. The object of his affection (she of the airborne karate-chop) is defiantly not enjoying her wedding day. Not only is she marrying a male model for paper bags but after the make-shift preacher pronounces them man and wife she gets treated to a honeymoon night on a straw mattress in the middle of the creepy swamp filled woods. If that weren’t bad enough, instead of receiving useful wedding gifts such as a pickle fork or a set of butter tongs the highjacker promises her a bullet in the brain.

Daredevil seems to be in this story only to make this a “Daredevil story” that and to get caught by the leg in a rope trap. Black Widow who is tagging along as Daredevil’s sidekick seems to be in this story for no other reason than to fall into quicksand (in a swamp? in New Jersey?). In their conversations they mostly repeat variations on the theme “We being city folk are way out of place here in this swamp.” To himself Daredevil mostly reminisces that he and the Widow used to be in love (it’s a good thing that her husband is out of the way then).

Back at the Love Shack, the kidnapping brothers have found Ma’s old wedding dress in hopes of setting the occasion right. Everyone has a role, the brother that looks like Radar from M.A.S.H will be the minister. The brother that looks like the late Robert Stack (host of Unsolved Mysteries) will be the best man and the aforementioned brother that looks like Tim Roth will play the shotgun loving father of the bride. The only person then it seems without a role in this sick play is the old man who had the gas on the plane (he somehow survived the wreck and was for some reason also kidnapped). This is remedied, however, when the old man volunteers to handout h'orderves, the kidnappers agree that this is a sensible request and untie him. This turns out to be a mistake for as right before the last I Do is about to be said he whips out a fresh can of fear gas.

The can gets opened, the wedding gets ruined and Daredevil almost gets stabbed by the bride, who is by now all hoped-up on the fear juice.

Those kids today and their fancy designer drugs.

The story ends when the old man, who is running through the woods to avoid capture, trips, falls and breaks open one of his canisters. Fearing that he is going to have a massive heart attack by ingesting so much gas he promptly has a heart attack without ingesting any gas. It turns out that he had only broken open the canister that was shot on the plane. The canister that by this time was already empty. D’Oh!

Writer: Denny O’Neil
Goofiness from the Den.

Artist: David Mazzucchelli
70’s psychedelic horror sheik.

It’s all over for the Unknown Soldier

The Unknown Soldier has nothing to do with Jim Morrison, radioactivity or spooky swamps, it was however a 4 issue mini series written by Garth Ennis that DC put out in ’97 under its Vertigo imprint. Of the four issues I have only the first one, which is a pretty good place to start…

…the story of the Unknown Soldier is one of espionage and intrigue. Rendered faceless in WWII by shrapnel (or fire) this CIA agent becomes the ultimate spy one who can assume any identity and is known only through whispers and shadows. In the modern day CIA field agent William Clyde is getting a butt chewing (ewwwww!) by his supervisors for not shooting a couple of ten years old who accidentally witness a covert mission in Central America. Thinking that he is too soft for his job and vowing never to promote him, his superiors decide to show him what’s what by giving him a dead end of an assignment.

A list of names appears on his desk of people with supposed links to a money front for a terrorist group calling themselves California First. The first name on the list that Clyde investigates brings him to a man living in a retirement community who has no ties what so ever to terrorists but he does have a story to tell. A story about a man with no face who rode into Dachau camps in a general’s jeep. A man who upon seeing the aftermath of German death that was visited upon helpless Poles snapped and grabbed a soldier’s machine gun to hand down a bit of death of his own.


The Unknown Soldier’s retribution ends only when one of his own comrades brings the butt of his gun down on his head. The flashback ends and Clyde basically thanks the old timer for the story and then goes on about his work. He thinks nothing more about it until he sees on the evening news that an “accidental” fire swept through the nursing home killing the man that he had recently talked with. Things get deadlier still when later that night a coworker of Clyde’s comes over to his apartment to invite him to a party. Clyde is in the kitchen fixing coffee for the two of them when a sniper’s bullet enters the kitchen window, a coffee mug and something else (BAUM BAUM BAUM).

Quite the cliffhanger 'ey? I have to say that this is my first exposure to Garth Ennis (ewwwww!) I found this story of his to be quite an engaging read (the art does go a bit overboard on the facial wrinkles though). So how does this all turn out? Does Clyde die from the sniper’s bullet? Was the sniper sent to make sure that the Unknown Soldier’s killing of German prisoners remains a secret? Did the Soldier himself pull the trigger and are Clyde’s superiors in on it? The world may never know. Actually the world probably already knows the end of this story but I won’t unless I purchase the remaining issues. This I feel duty bound to do for the fate of Comic Book America may depend on it.

Dark Horse wins a cookie. Predator shoots it with a laser.

In the cover above, this 1991 Dark Horse Comics has a Proclamation to make. Under their logo is a small box of text surrounding what suspiciously looks like the bastard lovechild of the Hulk and the Thing, the text reads “Dark Horse Comics, 5 years of Excellence!”

“Five years? Wow that’s really amazing”, I say while picking up the phone at the end of the desk and dialing a number. “Hello DC editorial, yes I was wanting to know how long you have been in business…hmmm really? Okay thank you.” Hanging up the phone I jot some numbers down on a blank piece of paper and dial another number. “Hello Marvel editorial...(talking continues in the background)…no, thank you.” Doing some math I come up with a total. National Comics changed its name to DC Comics in 1937. Timely Publications changed its name to Marvel Comics in 1939. So as of 1991 when these issues of Predator Cold War came out DC had been in business 54 years and Marvel for 52 years.

Five years though is still pretty impressive Dark Horse so I award you with…a cookie.

The Kobra Kaused Sssandstorm that Ssswallowed Metropolisss!

As an homage to the Kobra Week festivities that Dave is putting on over at Dave’s Long Box I thought that I would post a review of a Superman/ Kobra story I found lurking koiled in the dark ssshadows of my collection.

Clark Kent is having a bad day. He returns from a long day of spell checking and typo correction (damn you Perry!) only to be snuck-up upon while unlocking his apartment door by the evil supper villain Kobra. Kobra? Hey isn’t that spelled with a C? See that’s just how evil he is. He’ll spell a word any darn way he sssees fit. Once inside the 70’s bachelor sheik of Clark’s apartment, Kobra explains that he has come for the time teleportational gun that was stolen from him in a previous encounter. Cleverly Kobra had placed a homing device inside the gun that led him to Clark’s apartment. Also cleverly Kobra and his henchmen had arrived before Clark had gotten off of work (it pays to be an unemployed cult leader). While ransacking the joint not only does he discover the teleportational thingy in the underwear drawer next to the porn but he also finds extra Super-Suits hanging up in the closet. Thus Kobra knows that Clark Kent and Superman are the same man.

Interrupting a villain while monologing is never a good idea but Superman pays no heed to conventional wisdom. He decides to knock the gun out of Kroba’s hand with his Super-Breath only to find himself wrapped up in a really cool snake tongue lasso that comes out of Kroba’s hand. A nifty battle then ensues.

After Kobra leaves and the fight is over, a neighbor knocks on the door thinking he heard a ruckus. Clark asks the neighbor if he can describe the ruckus but instead of getting to play tonsil hockey with the dishy Molly Ringwald as the credits roll he ends up getting dissed.

Clark you need better friends.

Lost in thought Clark recalls bringing up Kobra’s name in Batman’s presence and how Batman almost pisses himself in fear. Clark can’t help but to be a bit terrified himself.

The next day at work Clark is ego-tripin’ watching news footage of Superman trying to catch a falling/ exploding plane filled with toxin gas (this info becomes important later). Lois decides that there is a bit too much hot air in the room and opens a window. Tons of sand instantly fills the room, spurring Superman into action. Outside Superman finds the cause of the sudden sandstorm to be Korba and his giant metal SSSand SSSpitter of Doom!

Superman makes a move to stop this nefarious plan when Korba pulls the ace from his scaly sleeve. It seems that Korba, that man of all seasons, that charmer of snakes and the ladies (oooooh Baby!), has gone back in time and kidnapped Ma and Pa Kent!!! He tells Superman that he will release them only if he does each and every thing that pops into his Kobra shaped head. First on the list of chores is cleaning up the sand mess that Korba himself had just made. Muttering under his Super-Breath Superman concedes and heads to the local junkyard to construct a really large vacuum cleaner.

With his first trip back with sand, Sups discovers that the Kobra’s giant metal device was created to filter the toxin gas particles that had recently settled over the city (remember the exploding plane?) away from the sand particles. On his second trip back Superman replaces the real Ma and Pa Kent with figurines that he sculpted (does his talent know no bounds?), Super-Heats sand to blowup the machine and then proceeds to get beaten (again) in a fight with Kobra. Meanwhile Ma and Pa are safe. Meanwhile Kobra still knows his secret identity.

Let’s recap. In two days of battle Kobra learns Superman’s secret, makes Batman knees knock in fear, covers the city in sand, kidnaps Clark’s parents, makes him his bitch, beats him twice in battle using over eight different snake themed weapons, and disappears without a trace. Kobra, Darkseid has nothing on you. You truly are a bad assss!

Pass me the rock, I’m in the Zone!

Life is hard for the criminals of Krypton. Not only do they toil all day to make small boulders out of larger ones while singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot but they also have to contend with their cell being a limbo world in which not even their souls can escape after their bodies have died, talk about your cruel and unusual punishments. “Warden I’d like to call my lawyer, like now!”

In this story, that requires a black magic spooky word reference guide as well as every issue of Action Comics that even briefly mentions the Phantom Zone to decode, the criminals of the Zone try to escape. General Zod (who is imprisoned for trying to make himself dictator of Krypton) discovers that he and his other Zone comrades can manifest themselves into the subconscious of any person in a weakened mental state and control them. They are able to put this to use when Jor-El (Superman’s father and creator of the Phantom Zone) or the Author of this story (more likely) is afflicted with a fever dream. With the aid of his sickness they are almost to the point of having Jor-El press the button on the device meant to return them to the tangible world when Jor-El’s wife awakes, sprints across the floor and slaps her husband silly to break their control.

Not one to be easily deterred, Zod moves to Plan B. In this scheme Zod tricks a mystic with a melted face and an affinity for Viking hats, to trick Mr. Mxyzptlk (after enhancing his prankster powers) into distracting Superman and sacrificing himself in order to free them. The now freed convicts then imprison the mystic and Mxyzptlk in the Zone, fly to Earth, rip it a new one, fight and beat Superman only to be rejailed by a now all powerful Mxyzptlk who decides to torture them for awhile.

Not very exciting in and of itself but there are a few detours the story takes that are actually quite fun. For instance at one point the story meanders to bizarro world and we get to see Bizarro #1 send his son to the center of their cube world before it implodes so that he can die first.

Also shown is a funny courtroom rant by Mr. Mxyzptlk who speaks for divorced husbands in custody battles everywhere when he says, “Look at ‘er—she’s a Drxbngle! Boring! Stupid! All she’s got is a nice body! You’re sentencin’ my kid to intellectual oblivion!”

“I’m a star, a big bright burning star!”

When we last left Dr. Phosphorus he was stewing in his own juices (a fitting punishment to be sure) inside the belly of an offshore nuclear reactor. Is this the last of our favorite see-through radioactive man? Nope, he's back (and this time he swears he's gonna change baby) but before all that let’s touch briefly on his origin.

As we learn in the latter pages of DC #469, Dr. Phosphorus’s began life as Dr. Alexander Sartorius a well-to-do medical doctor who although has his own practice, a penthouse in a very desirable part of town, fast cars, faster women and pencil thin moustache that would make Vincent Price very envious, he wants more; he wants POWER! Behind the scenes backroom political power actually and to achieve it he joins Boss Rupert Thorne’s super secret shadow society The Tobacconists.

As far as secret evil political group names go The Tobacconists is pretty lame. The Free Masons now that’s subversive, I can easy imagine them unlocking the jail cells of imprisoned stone cutters. The Skulls, that name is all about spooky flair, the thought that both John Kerry and George Bush Jr. were running around in dime-store skeleton costumes, sacrificing kittens and drinking their blood and were still able to attain high public office gives me goose bumps. The name The Tobacconists on the other hand makes me think of scientists studying tobacco, that or a team of Golden Age chain-smoking supper heroes.

Boss Thorne, who is a member of the city council and thus has a bit of pull in city government, convinces Sartorius that he should invest in Thorne’s new nuclear power plant. Sartorius takes the advice, invests his money and is greatly dismayed when things start to go wrong. Boss Thorne it seems didn’t have quite as much power as he thought for when protests begin the other council members get cold feet and change the proposed on-shore power plant to an offshore power plant.

Dr. Phoshorus hates protesters.

With the plant being moved offshore costs to build it go up and Thorne decides to cut some corners on craftsmanship. Sartorius is onsite to oversee construction when the reactor goes online and the core cracks. The soon to be Dr. Phosphorus seeks cover behind a partial wall of sandbags only to be pelted with “Five million slivers of red-hot sand driven through my body!” Ouch. Below Dr. Phosphorus describes the fuzzy science of his creation.

Dr. Phosphorus hates Thorne.

Dr. Phosphorus, however, hates nothing more than being inside of a radioactive goo machine so he splits leaving behind glowing footprints for Batman to follow to shore. Taking the Bat-Boat Batman arrives at the Gotham pier in time to be shrouded in fog and shot at by the tenth rookie cop this year.

After giving the rookie the evil-eye Batman meets with Gordon and learns that Dr. P has melted a hole through Arkham Asylum’s outer wall in order to meet with Rupert Thorne, who has for some reason gone criminally insane since we last saw him (Scarecrow I’m looking at you). Being a villainous good sport Dr. P waits for Batman to arrive before he runs off (at newly developed super speed???) spouting cryptic third-person talk.

A pretty funny scene takes place shortly after when Batman asks Thorne what he and Phosphorus were talking about.

Thorne also mentions something about a protest rally against the power plant that is being held that night. Batman decides to attend in full Bat-Gear and the sight of him milling about in the crowd in cape and ears is pretty humorous as well.

The featured speaker at the rally happens to be none other than Barbara Gordon in her oft-times intentionally forgotten stint as a Washington DC congress woman who doesn’t tow the party line. After her speech Bats and Barb talk, he tells her that Dr. P might show up and she tells he that the only thing that could ruin the rally would be the rain in the night’s weather forecast. He goes “Ah Ha! Reign? Rain! I must get to the airport!” She scratches her head and goes “ooooo…kay?” changes into her crime fighting duds and hops on her Bat-Bike to follow.

At the airport Phosphorus, somehow knowing how to fly a plane and somehow not burning through the seat of said plane, is about to take off when Batman rams him. This tares the wing off of the aircraft and flips the Bat-Mobile injuring Batman and leaving an unscathed Dr. Phosphorus very irritated with only an unprepared Batgirl left to challenge him. Batgirl jumps around a lot, runs over Dr. P with her motorcycle and then pulls the lead lined Bat-Cape off of Batman and hogties Dr. P with it. The end.

It is unclear how Dr. Phosphorus hoped to make people ill this time. Was he going to open the cockpit glass while his plane was doing upwards of 400 mph so that he could spit radioactive loogies at the unsuspecting crowd gathered below? To call his plan badly thought out is being generous.